Communication is at the heart of our daily interactions, whether in personal relationships, workplaces, or online spaces. However, not all communication is straightforward - sometimes, it’s layered with tactics that attempt to manipulate or pressure us into certain actions.
One of the most common but often unnoticed strategies is FOG - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. When someone uses FOG, they are leveraging one or more of these emotions to influence your decisions, sometimes in ways that may not align with your best interests.
What is FOG?
FOG is a term used to describe manipulative communication tactics that play on a person’s emotions. It is commonly used by individuals who want to maintain control in a conversation, relationship, or dynamic.
• Fear - “If you do/don’t do this, something bad will happen.”
• Obligation - “You owe me this because of everything I’ve done for you.”
• Guilt - “If you don’t do this, you’ll make me feel bad / You’re selfish for saying no.”
Many people unknowingly use FOG in communication, sometimes out of their own anxieties, fear of rejection, or insecurities. However, it becomes problematic when it’s used consistently to coerce, pressure, or manipulate someone into compliance.
FOG in Action: Real-Life Examples
In the workplace:
• Fear: “If you don’t take on this extra project, it might impact your career progression.”
• Obligation: “We’re like a family here. We all make sacrifices.”
• Guilt: “I worked overtime last week, can’t you do the same for me?”
In personal relationships:
• Fear: “If you leave me, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
• Obligation: “I raised you, so you should take care of me now.”
• Guilt: “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
In online/social interactions:
• Fear: “If you don’t support this cause, people will think you’re part of the problem.”
• Obligation: “You need to share this post if you really care.”
• Guilt: “I see you supporting other people but not me. Do I not matter to you?”
When we experience FOG, it often triggers an immediate emotional reaction rather than a logical response. That’s what makes it so effective! It clouds our ability to think clearly, hence the term “FOG.”
How to Recognise and Respond to FOG Without Losing Your Ground
When faced with FOG tactics, it’s essential to pause and assess before reacting. Ask yourself:
• Am I making this decision out of genuine desire, or am I feeling pressured?
• Would I make the same choice if I wasn’t feeling fear, obligation, or guilt?
• Is the person communicating with me respecting my autonomy, or are they trying to manipulate my emotions?
A helpful tool in these situations is the Golden Bridge Technique. It is a way to acknowledge the other person’s emotions while standing firm in your boundaries.
The Golden Bridge Technique is a communication strategy that helps you disarm manipulation, maintain your own boundaries, and allow the other person a way to save face while steering the conversation toward clarity and resolution. It’s particularly useful in situations where someone is using FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) tactics against you.
How Does the Golden Bridge Technique Work?
Instead of directly confronting someone in a way that might escalate defensiveness, you reflect their intention in a positive light while subtly challenging their behaviour. This gives them the opportunity to correct themselves, without triggering an outright conflict.
Golden Bridge Structure
1. Acknowledge their possible intention (even if you don’t believe it’s true)
2. Reframe the situation to neutralise manipulation
3. Offer a path forward that respects both parties
Examples of the Golden Bridge Technique in Action
Scenario 1: Someone is guilt-tripping you to stay late at work
Them: “Everyone else is staying late, and I really thought you were a team player.” (Using Obligation & Guilt to pressure you.)
You (Golden Bridge): “I know teamwork is really important to you, and I completely agree. I also know that being well-rested helps me perform better as part of the team, so I’ll need to leave on time today. I can check in tomorrow morning to help with anything urgent.”
Why it works:
• It acknowledges their concern (“Teamwork is important to you”).
• It challenges the pressure subtly (“Being well-rested helps me perform better”).
• It offers a constructive way forward (checking in tomorrow).
Scenario 2: A friend is using guilt to get you to do something
Them: “Wow, I guess I know where I stand with you now. I always make time for you, but I see that doesn’t go both ways.” (Using Guilt to manipulate you.)
You (Golden Bridge): “It sounds like spending time together is really important to you, and I value our friendship too. I wish I could make it work today, but I can’t. Let’s find another time that works for both of us.”
Why it works:
• It reflects their underlying need (wanting to spend time together).
• It redirects the guilt trip into an honest statement of your availability.
• It sets a boundary while preserving the relationship.
Scenario 3: A manager is pressuring you with Fear & Obligation
Them: “If you don’t take on this extra project, it’s going to look really bad for your future here.” (Using Fear & Obligation.)
You (Golden Bridge): “I know you’re counting on me to contribute, and I take my responsibilities seriously. That’s why I need to be mindful of my workload so I can do my best work. What are the key priorities right now so we can figure out the best approach?”
Why it works:
• It acknowledges the concern (contributing to the team).
• It pushes back on the pressure with logic (ensuring quality work).
• It shifts responsibility back to them to clarify what’s actually important.
The Golden Bridge Technique allows us to avoid escalation (with a otherwise emotionally and mentally person), by giving space for us to respond calming, rather than emotionally.
• It disarms manipulation - You refuse to accept Fear, Obligation, or Guilt tactics.
• It keeps you in control - You don’t let the other person dictate how you respond.
• It encourages a constructive response - by ‘assuming’ good intent, you allow them an opportunity to correct their behaviour.
FOG can be a powerful emotional tool, but once you recognise it, you gain the ability to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally. Whether in professional, personal, or social interactions, maintaining clear communication and boundaries ensures that your decisions come from a place of authenticity rather than pressure.
Now, we all know that some people will still try to dodge our boundaries by simply looking for excuses ‘why we can’ do as they want. This is where you then have the opportunity to use backup boundary scripts, record situations for later reporting or escalation, or begin your process of permanently leaving the environment. In the meantime, asking for requests to be in writing, such as emails, to ‘help you visually map and balance things’, and working with a Counsellor to begin understanding these repeated cycles, is helpful.
The key takeaway? You are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions at the expense of your own well-being. It is okay to assertively stand your ground with a kind and firm approach. For many, this has become their way of communicating and understanding the world due to their own upbringing, fears (fear of being vulnerable, seen as less knowledgeable, unliked or losing professional or social footing), but it is not your job to fix them. It’s your job to let others know your boundaries and teach them what you require to maintain professional or personal relationships with them.
The more we allow others to cross boundaries and use FOG in communication with us, the more we teach others and ourselves about our worth.
You are worthy of healthy communication, expectations and environments.
With that said, I am wishing you a week ahead that is peaceful and productive; one that exceeds your expectations.
Novena-Chanel, The Equilibrium Coach™️
Comments